She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
