We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is Oprah even human
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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