I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
