A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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