I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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