No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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