John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
