she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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