My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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