it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
