are you still at the devil's house?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
