i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
