Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
