I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
