Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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