No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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