Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
