Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
