I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
