I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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