my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
can u get pink eye on your cock?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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