But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
