News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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