im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
