I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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