so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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