my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
