Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
