someone get that fucking seahorse.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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