3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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