You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
