i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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