What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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