I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Welp...herpes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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