The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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