there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
