I smell stomach acid.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
