All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
