My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
