Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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