opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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