i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
