alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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