Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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