I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
