There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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