I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
