I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
