I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
