new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
