ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
