Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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